Date Like a Victorian: Courtship and Romance in the Victorian Era

Ayda Loewen-Clarke, Creative Programming and Digital Media Intern

Many modern ideals surrounding love and marriage today have their roots in the Victorian era. By the beginning of the 19th century, marriages for economic and social purposes were falling out of popularity. Instead, the evolution of the family unit led to a heightened societal value for marriages based on mutual affection, emotional satisfaction, and love.[i] Called the “companionate marriage”, this ideal shaped the way that people met and courted in the 19th century. The ideal of marriages based on love gave young people, especially women, a new level of agency in their choice of partners.

The concept of ‘love at first sight’ originated in the Victorian era, along with the ideal of the companionate marriage. Painting by Abraham Solomon, “First Class: The Meeting… and at First Meeting Loved,” oil on canvas, 1854. Part of the collection of the National Gallery of Canada: https://www.gallery.ca/collection/artwork/first-class-the-meeting-and-at-first-meeting-loved

The widespread ideal of the companionate marriage had consequences beyond heterosexual marriages, as well. Sharon Marcus asserts that the newly held belief that it was better to not marry at all than to marry without love made space for people to choose to remain unwed. Further, the evolution of marriage laws allowed a certain amount of flexibility that allowed female couples living together to use the language of marriage to describe their relationships as well.[ii]

Because of the rise in popularity of the companionate marriage, young people had more independence in their choice of partners than previous generations. However, with the parents no longer being the primary facilitators of romantic relationships, the ways that couples found each other also changed. While some couples still met through their parents or other family members, people also met through mutual friends or because they were neighbours. In addition, many people met through work or social events like picnics and church-related activities.[iii]

Another (less common) way of finding a partner was through matrimonial advertisements. Published in periodicals, matrimonial advertising began mostly in working-class communities, but spread to the upper classes by the 1870s. In the article “Victorian Girls Gone Wild: Matrimonial Advertising and the Transformation of Courtship in the Popular Press,” Jennifer Phegley argues that matrimonial advertisements provided new opportunities for lonely singles to find each other and increased women’s agency in courtship. While these advertisements could provide people with a way to find a compatible partner without relying on making connections through their existing social circles, they came with a certain amount of social stigma. These ads challenged traditional gender roles of masculinity and femininity, as women were upfront about their wants and needs in their searches for husbands. Women who posted advertisements were often considered immodest.[iv] However, these “immodest” practices were ultimately a precursor to women’s positions as more equal partners in courtship by the beginning of the 20th century.

It could be said that matrimonial advertisements were the dating apps of the Victorian era.

            No matter how they initially met, courtships were usually short, and couples were often engaged within nine months, oftentimes less.[v] During the time of courtship, couples found several ways to spend time together and grow their ties to each other. In the public sphere, they would go on long walks and attend community social events together. Most courtship happened in the private realm, however, as men would call on women at home and have tea or supper with her and her family. Despite this, parents often allowed couples a certain amount of privacy together in the home after these meals. At times, this led to “complications”, but the practice was nonetheless fairly universal.[vi]

Though courtships were short, engagements were commonly much longer, and usually lasted several years. This was especially the case for working-class couples, as they had to work to save money for the marriage. During the engagement, couples exchanged gifts. Though the gifts varied widely depending on class and status, three types gifts were fairly universal. People commonly exchanged engagement rings. They also often traded pictures of each other or had their photograph taken together. Lastly, couples often exchanged locks of hair. This was a gift that “involved no expense and was a sure sign of intimacy.”[vii] More often than gifts, however, couples wrote each other letters. As they were sometimes separated for long periods of time during their engagements because of work and familial obligations, letters were the main source of communication. Many relationships developed in a large part through the written word.

These items from the Dalnavert Museum collection represent some common gifts that lovers would exchange. Locks of hair could be kept in jewellery like this brooch.

Though many things have changed and evolved since then, the Victorians’ value for love-based marriages shaped our own cultural understanding and experiences of romantic relationships today. So, if you’re stuck on what to do this Valentine’s Day, take a page out of the Victorian’s books – go for a long walk, send a letter or cute picture, give your lover a lock of your hair, or take out an ad in the local newspaper describing your ideal partner.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

[i] Jennifer Phegley, Courtship and Marriage in Victorian England, Santa Barbara, California: Praeger, 2012.

[ii] Sharon Marcus, Between Women: Friendship, Desire, and Marriage in Victorian England, Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2007, 211-212.

[iii] Ginger S. Frost, Promises Broken: Courtship, Class, and Gender in Victorian England, Charlottesville And London: The University Press of Virginia, 1995, 58.

[iv] Jennifer Phegley, "Victorian Girls Gone Wild: Matrimonial Advertising and the Transformation of the Popular Press," Victorian Review 39, no. 2 (2013): 132.

[v] Frost, Promises Broken, 61.

[vi] Frost, Promises Broken, 63.

[vii] Frost, Promises Broken, 64.

Bibliography

Frost, Ginger S. Promises Broken: Courtship, Class, and Gender in Victorian England. Charlottesville And London: The University Press of Virginia, 1995.

Marcus, Sharon. Between Women: Friendship, Desire, and Marriage in Victorian England. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2007.

Matthews, Christopher. "Love at First Site: The Velocity of Victorian Heterosexuality." Victorian Studies 46, no. 3 (2004): 425-54. https://doi.org/muse.jhu.edu/article/173476.

Phegley, Jennifer. Courtship and Marriage in Victorian England. Santa Barbara, California: Praeger, 2012.

Phegley, Jennifer. "Victorian Girls Gone Wild: Matrimonial Advertising and the Transformation of the Popular Press." Victorian Review 39, no. 2 (2013): 129-146. https://doi.org/10.1353/vcr.2013.0060.